HELPFUL THINGS TO KNOW WHEN GOING TO COUNSELING THE FIRST TIME
It takes a lot of courage to finally decide to go to counseling. If you’re reading this, and you’re taking that step for the first time… Bravo! You’re doing something that everyone should, but most probably won’t. It’s hard to admit when you need help.
I know for me there were a number of things that I would have found helpful to know before I went. Additionally, there are quite a number of people that I know, who have been who have shared their experiences with me, that mentioned some things they too had wished they knew.
So, I’d like to offer a few things to help you prepare for your own experience.
YOUR ENEMY DOESN’T WANT YOU TO GET HELP
We have a spiritual enemy who wants to keep us stuck. He wants to steal the life God has FOR you, away FROM you. He wants to kill you and destroy your relationships.
Deciding to go to counseling is an act of spiritual warfare.
The first time I ever decided to try to go to counseling was in an attempt to save my previous marriage. We had been separated for a while and I was searching for anything and anyone who could help us navigate our relationship. So I had searched out a counselor. I had done everything I could think of to invite my wife into the process of trying to save our marriage by going to counseling. She eventually agreed to go. We got there… and the counselor never showed up.
Leaving that day, my wife, who is now my ex-wife, expressed she was never going back.
I’m not blaming the counselor. I don’t know what happened or why they didn’t make it to our appointment.
What I am saying is that, I believe that the evil one used that opportunity to make sure that we didn’t get the help we needed.
I don’t know what it will be in your case, but I want you to know, that there is a high likelihood of experiencing resistance to actually going or continuing to go to counseling. The enemy will whisper, “this is a waste of time.” He will try to use people and relationships around you to discourage you. Don’t let the enemy win. Keep the appointment. Keep going.
YOUR FIRST TIME WILL PROBABLY SEEM UNHELPFUL
When you first go to see a counselor, they are going to be starting you on a process that includes a lot of steps.
The first one is to find out from you, why you chose to come to counseling.
The first question of “what brought you here today?" is a question what will take time to explain and unpack. Chances are, it took a long time to get to the point of going to counseling, so it will take some time to explain to them why you came. So you will probably do most of the talking that session. They will ask you questions while you explain what’s going on in your life, but plan on doing most of the talking.
After telling what’s going on in your life, you will look up and see that an hour of time has passed. Your time is up. You will be shocked how quickly the time passed, and probably slightly irritated that you’re not walking out with any answers. You might feel a little ripped off, because you paid to do all the talking.
Let me reiterate. What lead to you coming to counseling has taken a significant time in your life. It will probably take more than an hour to explain it, and definately more than an hour to begin sorting through it.
So plan on meeting with your counselor a number of times before you start having a sense that you’re getting any sort of benefit from it.
NOT EVERY COUNSELOR FITS EVERY PERSON
There’s something to be said about relational chemistry. It’s impossible to easily relate to everyone. There are just some people that we find ourselves more comfortable to be around.
When you go to meet with a counselor for the first time, there’s a certain level of discomfort you’re going to be experiencing anyway. A sign of a good fit, is that the counselor you’re meeting with just seems to be able to help you feel a little more at ease.
I would caution that comfort is not the perfect litmus test for a good counselor. It’s possible to just be in a state of discomfort because you haven’t been able to adequately deal with internal dynamics that affect every relationship.
If you’re not at ease in many of your relationship, this one won’t magically be different.
Again, my encouragement would be to continue meeting with that counselor for a number of times to see if the level of ease and comfort develop.
However, it it seems like you’re struggling to connect with your counselor I would suggest 2 things:
Discuss it with them. Be honest and explain that you’re not sure this is a good fit and explore why that might be. You never know, they may also have that sense. Or they may be able to share a dynamic that they see that is hindering your time together.
If it’s not a good fit, it’s okay, just don’t quit! It’s totally okay if you and your counselor are not a good fit for each other. Go find another counselor and try again. If you were sick and went to the Dr. and didn’t have a good experience, you wouldn’t quit going to the Dr. would you? No, you just go find a different doctor because you still need help. It’s the same thing here.
Let me say one last thing about chemistry with your counselor. If you have tried multiple counselors and you can’t seem to find a good fit, I want you to be honest. Is it the counselor, or is it the person you’re bringing into the counselors office?
THERE’S NOT ENOUGH COUNSELORS
It can take a long time to get in to see a counselor.
That’s incredibly frustrating for a number of reasons. Often, by the time we get to the point where we realize we need it, things in our lives are pretty uncomfortable.
This leads to a sense of urgency. So it can be hard when there’s a waiting list.
Additionally, because there are so many people who need to see counselors, they have to be efficient with their time.
Let’s be honest. No one likes to feel like they’re on the clock in a relationship.
Sometimes it can feel like you’re being rushed in, and rushed out.
Can you see the difficulty here? Lots of people needing help, not enough counselors.
So, if you find yourself with a sense of unrest because things end in a session abruptly, please know that they are not trying to hurt you or make you feel devalued.
They’re just doing their best to care for people in a profession where there’s simply more demand than they can handle.
THINGS MAY GET WORSE FIRST, THEN BETTER
Everything I’ve said so far, is to encourage you to engage with counseling. So I know this last point may not seem encouraging.
However, when we begin to address things in our lives and relationships that are not working, it can feel like life gets harder than when we started.
Often, that’s because we have to deal with the pain we’ve been ignoring in order for it to heal. If you were to get a serious cut on your hand and simply stick a glove over it, it may allow you to function for a while, but underneath it is still bleeding and probably getting infected.
Counseling is taking the glove off, admitting there’s a cut, and slowly allowing it to breathe, discovering how to clean it, and then exploring what stitching it up will take.
Secondly, there are probably relationships and people in your life that won’t like it when you change.
When we begin to get help and experience change, it changes the way we relate to those around us.
If they like the way things are, and you begin responding differently, or making different choices that are healthier and more mature, they will do their best to sabotage the work you’re doing.
Don’t quit. Give people an opportunity to grow with you. If they don’t or won’t, give them the freedom to choose not to grow, but don’t stop doing the work to help yourself to keep growing.
Here’s a few quick bonus points!
Counselors are human. They have good days and bad days too. If you’re first time is on a bad day, consider giving them a second chance. We all need second chances.
Counseling is for the strong. A person I know who was an Olympic trained athlete said that there were just as many counselors in the training facility as there where coaches and physical trainers. The pressure of reaching a high level of excellence required someone to help the athletes keep their heads healthy.
